Obstacle Is the Way
Self-inquiry is to see that thoughts are not obstacles to be overcome but the very gateway to inner peace through observation
It is not uncommon for many who get into any meditation process including self-inquiry to experience an even greater conflict during their day-to-day living in contrast to the time spent in meditation. As a friend who has been into self-inquiry for many years mentioned, it does no good to have a blissful meditation experience only to burst into anger or some other negative emotion immediately thereafter. Why does it happen? It seems that despite sitting in meditation and being on a spiritual journey for long, the mind seems more turbulent, and peace seems more elusive.
There seems to be a great conflict between the apparent reality of one’s thoughts and feelings and some ultimate notion of truth, as the two are seen to be separate from each other. This then presents a false choice between acknowledging our feelings and affirming our truth, which creates tremendous conflict, denial, repression, judgment and so on. And the entire process of meditation seems fragmentary and disconnected from everyday living.
To resolve this apparent conflict, it would be worthwhile to carefully look into the whole process of sitting in meditation especially as regards self-inquiry. Then we can inquire into whether such a meditative state of being can be carried over during the rest of the day through all the affairs of everyday living.
When we sit in silent meditation, the first important thing to recognize is that we are not trying to hold onto any concept around the truth of our being as Awareness or Pure Consciousness. Whatever term one comes with is only a concept or another thought form, as the word is not the actual thing. When we hold on to any thought, that can only be done for so long. Also, there is always the possibility of conflict between another thought that arises and the thought we hold onto which results in suppression or control. Instead we simply look at any thought as it arises and look into where the thought is happening, the space of awareness in which the thoughts come and go.
And even more so, if we look at thought itself, it is simply words. Words or labeling through names is what gives form to thoughts or even feelings. If any kind of feeling or thought arises, by naming it and supplying it with words, we are letting it take form because name and form always go together. By giving it a name of form, we are giving it life. Also, in the very naming of a thought or a feeling, we bring judgment along with it. For instance, naming a feeling as anger is already a subtle form of judgment because the word anger has a negative association with it already.
Therefore, a very direct way to look at a thought or a feeling is to look at it non-verbally as it arises. It means to actually look at a thought or a feeling without naming it, by resisting the urge to instantly label it, categorize it into a particular bucket and so on. Because the very naming of a thought or a feeling lets it take on a certain life already seen and then it feels more difficult to be free of its grip. Instead, we can look at a thought with great vigilance as it arises and not name it, not supply it with any verbal identification. And so with feelings that are far more subtle and powerful.
If we thus look at any thought or feeling alertly as it arises without naming, it is a state of total attention where we are not identifying with them and running with them without being aware. And neither are we doing the opposite, which is to name it, condemn it, and try to become free of it by controlling it which creates a tremendous conflict within. This causes the trap of making the thought or feeling as something that needs to be ‘overcome’ to realize the truth of our being.
In the state of total attention where there is no naming, verbalizing, judging, all that remains is the underlying energy that is the very essence of any rising thought or feeling. Not being even named, there is no negative or positive quality to it. If we simply stay with this energy with complete attention, it does not take any shape or form. And it simply dissolves into its source that is Awareness.
Every thought or feeling is just a movement in awareness and is made of the essence of awareness. Without awareness, there can be no movement. As the classic metaphor goes, all waves rise in the ocean, and they are of the ocean. So we don’t have to stop the waves to see the ocean. There will be times when there are no waves naturally, but there will also be times when there are waves. But the key insight is that whether there are waves or not, the ocean is always there. The constituent water that makes up the entire ocean is fully present in every wave. If we look into the very nature of the wave without naming it, and thereby getting lost in the form, size and intensity of the wave, we see only water there.
Similarly, if we look at any thought or feeling without naming it, and thereby neither riding the thought wave nor judging and hence controlling the thought wave, but just staying with it non-verbally, the thought or feeling is simply seen as a movement of energy in awareness and of the nature of awareness itself. And it dissolves instantly back into awareness, which is its source. So what is seen as rising thought or feeling simply dissolves and transmutes into pure awareness that is our true nature. This is the direct way of tracing a thought right back to its source as it arises.
Therefore the essence of true meditation is to remain with tremendous alertness to any rising thought or feeling without naming it. It is lack of alertness that causes us to identify with a thought and run with it unaware. Alternately, it is naming that makes us judge and control which can result in great repression over time by bottling it up, building up its own energy. And then in an unconscious moment, comes forth as a tremendous outburst of energy that takes over the being completely.
Instead of seeing the thought or feeling as an obstacle that needs to be transcended to realize the truth of our being as some end goal, we find that the seeming obstacle is the way. This requires us to be only very alert and vigilant to every thought or feeling as it arises, to not get caught up in its name and form, but see that its very essence is only energy that transmutes upon observation to simply awareness. Then, no thought or feeling is seen as an obstacle to our meditation anymore. Instead, we simply look closely into the very nature of the seeming obstacle to realize that it is a very direct gateway to the truth of our being.
By looking at and staying non-verbally with what is the truth of each moment, the underlying energy of ‘what is’ simply subsides into its source as awareness. Then there is no conflict with what is. To make the truth of ‘what is’ into an obstacle that needs to be somehow overcome is the trap of the ego. In creating the idea of getting past the present moment, it creates the illusion of psychological time and waiting for some future moment that never arrives while missing the the truth of the present moment. Therefore the real essence of self-inquiry is to completely stay alert with ‘what is’ without verbalizing it.
As we go through the day, we can carry this vigilance to look at any movement of thought or feeling as it arises and thereby dissolving it instantly into the peace of our being. Of course, if any thought or feeling needs a response, it can be attended to in an appropriate manner based on the objective need of the stimulus. But it will not have the power to take over completely in an unconscious manner. And neither will it create conflict as something that ought to be suppressed. It is simply looked into with alertness and responded with intelligence. And the fragrance of peace that is the essence of meditation abides through the day.
